Psalm 3

This is what I shared in front of some 300+ people with tears streaming down my face, unable to be willed back to the place they came from...the final night of Redemption Group.

I came to Redemption Groups for God to fix me. Fix my anger, my bitterness, my loneliness, my lack of contentment and love. I’ve always come to God to fix me.

Because I want to be better. I want to be perfect. So, I’ve tried to control everything and everyone in my life so that they can be perfect too. My husband, my children, my home.

I’ve carried the illusion of control for so long.

As a child it was “strong-willed.”

As a teenager it was “rebellious.”

As an adult it was “independent.”

God recently gave me the picture of a scarecrow. A scarecrow is a projection of strength. Meant to protect what’s vulnerable. But in reality, it is full of nothing.

And that was me, my whole life, projecting strength to keep from being vulnerable. It’s always been an illusion. A painful one.

So now, seeing how destructive control is, I’m learning what it means to truly TRUST God. Just trust Him. Not control Him and what he does in my life or the lives around me, simply TRUST Him.

He paid for our PEACE. Do you know it? Do you live in peace? Isaiah 53:5 the chastisement (the beating) for OUR PEACE was upon Him.”

He paid for our PEACE. So what is it when we don’t live in peace? SIN.

HE is the greatest gift he gives. Not a fixed up version of me.

In His presence is fullness of joy.

Where the spirit of the Lord is there is freedom.

He IS our redemption.

Apart from Him there is NO good thing.

Psalm 2

I am a sinner

I yell at children

I give the silent treatment to my husband

I am a hypocrite to those I counsel

I am a sinner

I need grace

I forget the love God has given me

I erect idols in place of God to worship

I choose to live without God many times a day

I need grace

I am forgiven

I forget the forgiveness that has already been granted

I don’t extend forgiveness on a daily basis

I forge new sacrifices to atone for my sin

I am forgiven

I am redeemed

The presence of God is my gift

The presence of God is my joy

The presence of God is my life

I am redeemed.

Psalm 1

Prone to wonder puts kindly,

What is nothing short of idolatry.

I cannot escape my sin,

I cannot escape my savior.

My contentedness is tainted with selfishness.

Lord teach me the true meaning of content.

Let me love like you love,

Let me be faithful as you are faithful.

Keep my eyes fixed on you as two lovers in love.

Let nothing break my gaze.

Let no other capture my affection.

Thank you for your faithfulness not based on mine

Thank you for loving not based on loveliness.

Thank you for dying not based on thankfulness.

Thank you for being God amidst those who want to be.

Thank you.

Exposed

I recently took a class at my church. It caused me much exposure. I realize "exposure" might sound funny, and maybe "joy" or "pain" or a little of both could fit instead, but exposure seems to sum it up best. Most of us try to hide what we feel most of the time. We try to cover it up, for fear of being exposed for what it really is. Anger, bitterness, resentment, rejection, disappointment...

As ugly as these things sound, imagine the darkness they cause when kept inside. It's like an infection. It starts in your head, your thoughts, it moves to your heart, your emotions, then to your hands and feet, your actions.

So as ugly as these things are coming out, how much more destructive if left to fester and torment from the inside out.

Yes, our pretending is our way of wishing we didn't have these things in the first place, that we were better than that, but we're not. There is nothing that happens to us that is unique to us alone.

As I took this class, it was sort of a progressive revelation as to what I was learning. The following 3 posts are called Psalms, simply an expression of my heart to God's heart.